Lost in the Wilderness

I am lost in the wilderness. I have become delirious from fatigue, starvation, and dehydration of a spiritual sort. I can not find my way back to the well which I drank from before because I am blocked by inconveniences of social circumstance. I have allowed myself to be dictated to and shut in a hole. Outside the walls of my lonely cave, I fear the howling winds of winter. I am a prisoner of my own fear. I have allowed myself to be kept like a pet, a horse in a stone stable that is ignored and abandoned, I do not drink from my own wild spirit, I do not express myself in the language of wind and color, I sit here and I waste away. Alone and forgotten. I have the blood and the spirit of wild mustangs, I was meant to sleep in canyons and dance to with wild natives, not to be beaten into submission so that I may hoist the yoke capitalism around my neck and slave away to be something useful. I was born wild and beautiful, and yet you would set me before the plow and starve me of the world which is rightfully mine to explore. But here I stay, and I don't know why. I have convinced myself that I could not live without you to feed me, to lead me, to protect me, and I have accepted your cruelty as being for my betterment. I am ashamed of what I have allowed myself to do, to become, at your direction. I see others, alive and alone out in the world. Yes, sometimes they go hungry, yes sometimes they go cold, and yes sometimes the dangers of the world overcome them but they have chosen struggle of freedom over the lifeless existence of captivity. I envy them. What I would do to be free and in the world once more, to feel courage and joy, but I have forgotten how to live in the world and the world is cruel to those that are unprepared. I want to live.

So we'll try door number 2

Ok then, well I took a good long look at that list of things I'd rather do, and realized hey, I'd really like to do a tour with the Peace Corps, so why not do it. I've finally finished writing my essays, I'm going to type them up and apply and hopefully soon I'll be off to the Peace Corps. I'm tired of getting turned down for jobs.

If I found a genie

Now for those of us who grew up on a more traditional version of Aladdin, you'll remember there was a genie of the lamp and a genie of the ring. The genie of the lamp's wishes were much more powerful and had near limitless potential but could only grant wishes of material desire, the genie of rings wishes were more limited but there was an infinite number and they deal mainly with emotions. At least I believe that's what I remember from the story. Now if I only had three wishes they would probably the first to have a physically perfect and immortal body and mind, the second to become the most successful artist who ever lived, and the third would be to fully awaken as a powerful mage. I'd use my wealth and power to cross over into the greatest art form which will most likely ever exist (once it does) planet sculpting, terraforming barren space rocks into living works of art, with every life form on it tailored and created from near scratch. I mean how amazing would it be to be able to say hey, you guys are over crowded, unable to feed your families and have no opportunities to move up in this world, so here's your own planet. I'd probably start out making custom worlds for wealthy clients and corporations then move on to impoverished and oppressed groups, then eventually make worlds that functioned purely as works of art. Oh course there would eventually be that whole trying to escape the heat death of the universe thing but hopefully that will be figured out before its too big of a worry. I really believe if there is or ever was a deity, that using my talent to create and save his people would be the greatest compliment, and kind of the destiny of man kind. Supposedly if we live another 50 years they will have figured out aging science and genetic therapies well enough that no one will ever die of old age again. Man I hope I live long enough to benefit from that, I've always wanted to be immortal. I mean like in that movie from the japan the Phoenix, where the guys does become immortal and then becomes this amazing artist because he doesn't want to forget the face of his true love so he tries to recreate at it over and over so he'll never forget, so amazing. And that's true, if you are an artist to begin with, thing how far you could progress in 200 years, a thousand years, ten thousand years. It would just be amazing.

If I have to die a simple mortal death and live the life of an ordinary man, my three wishes are to fall in love and get married, raise a healthy happy and emotionally balanced child, and to get to make one real movie that gets released in theaters even if its just crappy art house theaters.

Nope. That door's locked too?!

Ugh. Well it sounds like I'm going to nursing school. Not my first, second, third, fourth, hell even my tenth choice, but its something manageable that will make a reliable steady decent income while I attempt to pursue my art. Yes, there are a million other things I'd rather be doing but at the moment this is the only one which will guarantee me employment which will then enable me to follow my other interests. Besides it will be good to get some more life experience so I can really figure out what it is I want to specialize in. Don't believe me that this isn't even my tenth choice? Here's a list of the top ten other things I'd rather be doing?

Top Ten Things I'd Rather be Doing than Nursing

1. Winning Bravo's Work of Art The Next Great Artist
2. Studying Character Animation at Cal Arts
3. Getting a Masters of Fine Arts in Photography
4. Getting a Masters of Fine Arts in either Filmmaking, Directing, Cinematography or Screenwriting
5. Spend a year in Hawaii finishing my screenplay
6. Get a job as a high school art teacher
7. Spend a year in the peace corps
8. Work for a video game company doing any kind of art
9. Spend a year in a latin american country making art and living well for little money
10. Spend a year backpacking/hitchhiking cross country/the americas/europe

Other things that would be preferable to becoming a nurse include studying video game design/programming, be an au pair for a year, selling mary jane, becoming a wealthy older man's house boy, working as a bartender on a cruise ship, and working at a national park. Oh well, if I become a nurse I'll be able to move anywhere I want and always be able to find work. I feel a bit like the longer I live at home the more my parents kill my spirit.

Sigh

Ok well, I need to put myself in a positive attitude because bitching about how much my life sucks isn't going to do anything but depress me some more. I need to figure out a way to get to Santa Monica, CA so that I can go to the Work of Art casting call. All together it comes out to about $440 to go out there on the train round trip, and stay at a hostel for 3 nights. I should probably figure on trying to put together $500 if I can so that I can eat while I'm out there. I'm considering selling my video camera, its too big, it never worked with Final Cut Pro and the only way to make it is to mail it to Germany, and I never use it because again its too big and it doesn't like to work. It is sad though because it has a gorgeous picture but again, its too big and I never use it. The thing is my parents actually bought it for me when I was in school so I don't know how they'll feel about me selling it. On the other hand, we paid like 4 or 5 thousand when we bought it new and its going on ebay for almost 3 so I'm thinking I might be able to get decent money for it. Not sure what to do.

"Drink in the silence
I whisper in kisses wet with wine
Taste red in the darkness
Lips scaled
Lines taste of sand
Pulsing red with sun and wind
In the blue cold that envelopes us I swallow your yelps
Like drinking from the beating heart of our midnight passion
My fingers find the delicate pink sand dollars
Knubbed on an alabaster white only my fingers see
My palms running across the ivory cage
The beating of a humming bird music I breathe
Breathe in the sweet fragrance tall ocean grass black and wet with beads of sweat
Your rigidity pressed against mine
My hand scoops up the sea foam to share between our tongues
Hot and sticky
Warms my neck as I rub my fingers across your collar"




Ok poetry used to come really easy to me. The poem above is severely forced and it feels like it. I've never had trouble like this writing a poem, not since 2nd grade. I guess this is what happens when you don't work on your art regularly. Which is not good since I've not really done any art in 2 years. Crap. I need to change something in my life so that I'm making art on a regular basis again. Dude I couldn't even finish this poem, what is wrong with me?

Really Neat Comic

So I was surfing the web the other day and I cam across this awesome comic called Kimono's Townhouse. Its about two roommates who work in the IT industry who just so happen to be My Little Ponies. The coolest thing about it is that its actually a really really good comic, that just uses some props and MLPs, taken with a point and shoot then dialogue is added later in photoshop. Totally something I could do. I'm feeling kind of inspired to make my own little sitcom, using claymation puppets and some MLP sets, I'm not sure if it would be totally lame to use MLPs but I kind of want to. I do worry though if I do claymation it will look too much like Robot Chicken, I want it to look more like a contemporary take on something kind of like friends Friends but with MLPs and not total crap, maybe more like Skins but inside and not jailbait.