The Disappointment of a Small and Unimportant Life.

The other day my dear friend Chad and I were mulling over our life prospects together and we reached the conclusion that we were both very disappointed with our lives and couldn't quite decide where it was that we went wrong. Both of us have had very important accomplished people, who "know what they are talking about" praise us for what a natural wealth of talent we have and how we were supposed to be going places. Unfortunately neither of us have gone anywhere, we're both stuck. Stuck living with our parents, stuck with people who would seek to at all costs to prevent us from continuing to pursue our "worthless" passions, stuck away from the cities that we love to be in, stuck in suburbia, stuck being forced to study other fields which "make a viable contribution to society" in the view of other people, stuck relying on people that if they didn't have money and we weren't both destitute we'd never speak to them again. Stuck. I really wish I had the money to pursue my art career the way I wanted, or hell even the money to go to CalArts for their character animation program (go get a job I'd love and enjoy in a related field). There are a million things I'd rather be doing, but I've made mistakes in the past that have sabotaged me and now I'm stuck.

Balderdash

So apparently I spoke too soon because I never actually heard back about the job at Nintendo, big fucking let down. Now I'm not exactly sure what to do, I'm pretty sure no one even reads this blog, but if you did I'd really love to hear some advice. I wish I was thin enough to go into the military. Hell at this point I'd sign up for a program where they put you in a medical coma for a couple of months till you're skinny enough to go into the military. I would actually do that, it would probably be horrible for me and be outrageously expensive but hey putting on muscle mass has never ever been a problem its taking off fat that's the issue. So I've found out that I've got hypothyroidism, and while I don't eat that well its not helped that I'm not producing enough of the hormone for my metabolism to be where it needs to be. I was feeling really well when I was on the thyroid med for a while but its run out so now I need to find a local doc and get my med situation figured out. I'm 330lbs. and I need to weigh 150lbs. to go into the military. I'm going to be honest, I really really don't, I mean DO absolutely not want to become a nurse but my parents are doing everything in their power to force me into it. Its gotten to the point where the argument is go become a nurse or go live under an overpass. So rather than be homeless and unemployed, I may have to give in, and I hate it but my mother is an emotional abusive person who basically told my father if he didn't help her force me to become a nurse so that I can take care of schizophrenic sister when they die she'd divorce him. It doesn't matter about my happiness just so long as their angel, their biological child is taken care of, man I fucking hate them. The joke's on her though because the number of prerequisites it will take to get me into nursing school will bring up my GPA enough that I'll be able to go to grad school for art and then I'm out of this hell hole. It sucks because I hate being dishonest but if I'm going to have to take classes to keep from being thrown out onto the street I might as well take the chance to go to grad school like I wanted. I really miss making art, my mother realizes that in order for me to get into grad school I have to keep up making art so she's made a rule that I'm not allowed to make art at all anymore while living in her house, fucking bitch, I'll show her.

My New Years Resolutions

So I know that New Years is quite a few months off but I thought I'd put my resolutions down now and and keep adding to them as time goes by. So here's what I've got so far.:

-Keep my new job at Nintendo come hell or high water for at least a year while I save money for school
-Write and draw, at least an hour each every day
-Try to go to as many life drawing sessions as absolutely possible, at least once a month
-Do everything I can to try to get ready to apply to the CalArts Character Animation Program
-Make hygiene a priority, I mean not just shower daily but actually go out of my way to look and smell as best I can and go to work every day in a fresh clean pair of clothes
-Not put pressure on myself or anyone else to be in a relationship especially with me
-To make work my first priority and to go work everyday on time and put forth my absolute best effort
-While trying to plan for the future take things one step at a time
-Clean my apartment on a regular basis, including throwing away and taking out the trash, doing the laundry, vacuuming, picking up and mopping
-Buy furniture for my apartment
-Buy more clothes that are work appropriate

My First Novel

So I sent in a submission form and novel proposal to White Wolf Publishing to see if they'll let me write a novel in their game universe. I would really love to finally get published. My friends seem to really like my story idea but we'll see if the guys at the publishing company feel the same way.

There's really nothing I'd rather do...

So its taken me a long time to figure this out, because I was always worried about or thinking about all the things I "could" do or "should" be doing but I've come to realize there's really only one job I can think of that I would really want to do day and day out for the rest of my life without eventually hating it or myself. I really do want to be a tattoo artist. Like I'll still have hobbies like writing and making art but there is really no way I'd want to deal with the stress of working for Vogue as a photographer or killing myself working on a tv series, or constantly having to go without because my latest painting series didn't sell. I would be really happy to just be a tattoo artist and work in a shop like in Key West or something. I just want to have a good steady job as a tattoo artist and have a little house, a husband and a kid. Really that's all I need out of life. That is my little piece of paradise. I love tattoos, I love art and I love people (in small numbers). This is what I'm going to devote my life to, being a tattoo artist.


Jim

I will do whatever it takes

So right now I'm on the HCG diet, and depending how well that works I may do some lipo in conjunction to speed along the process. My goal weight right now is probably 140lbs to 150lbs. So anyway what does this have to do with art you ask? Well my cousin who is involved with marijuana growers refused to give me a job growing (which would have easily covered my expenses.) My parents are trying to push me into nursing but I'm only taking the prerequisites because they said I have to if I'm going to continue living here. My plan as it stands is to continue with the taking classes at the community college, see if it will bring my GPA up enough that I can get into grad school, and keep doing everything I can to get thinner. My plan is that once I've reached my goal weight I shall either go into the military (so long as DADT is repealed) or become a stripper, and I kind of think being a stripper would be more fun and slightly less likely to get shot. Then the money from being a solider/stripper will be used for a couple of other things, one is going to this tattoo school in Thailand, another is that I think I would like to go to CAL ARTS for their character animation program and the third thing would be to possible go get an MFA but I'm not sure what in yet. Beyond all that though I want the opportunity to continue pursuing my art and trying to live a life that makes me happy, I would not be happy as a nurse and I'm tired of my parents trying to push me into it. I want to keep pursuing film making and my other visual arts and I will do anything it takes to make that happen and to become the very best I can be.

Something really beautiful that I love

So I love tattoos. Always have. When I was young I always got so turned on by looking at the tattooed arms of bikers and old sailors. When they'd let me I'd love to run my fingers along the lines of color, there was just something different and so pleasant about the smell of heavily inked skin, I especially love the faded green color as it turned with age. So I'm going to continue doing screenwriting as my hobby until that takes off and keep making my fine art work but I realize that I would really like to do to pay my bills, what would be something that I'd really love coming to work to do everyday and that I'd still want to do everyday of it till I'm like 80 years old and that is tattooing. I would really HATE nursing I think, I may have to go through the program either way while I'm stuck living with my folks, and it is a good skill to have but what I want to do is tattoo.

Who would have thought things could be come so clear so quickly

So I was answering the interview questions on facebook and it asked me, "What would your dream job be?" I had to be honest with myself and just clear my head and write what truly came to me and I realized my dream job would be to be a screenwriter. Like there are a million other things I want to do, like I want to learn to direct, and I want to be a great artist, and I want to be a photographer but the one thing I'd like to do, day in and day out for the rest of my life to pay the bills and make the money is that I would like to be a great screenwriter. I want to tell those stories that I wish were out there in the cinema for me when I was growing up. I think the thing that is really important to me is telling my perspective on things and giving the people a really great story, everything else in my life has to be in service to that. What I want is to tell people stories for a living, and screenplays are the way I want to do it. I will always be an artist, and I will always be a photographer, but these are just other ways in which I seek to tell a story.

Job in my sights

So I met someone today at the gay bar who runs a photo studio in Pullman. I mentioned that I'm a photographer looking for a job, he looked at my work online and he really liked it. He had me add him on facebook and we'll chat in a bit to see. I'm thinking of doing a art series called unloved toys. It will be a a series of photographs of people who feel unloved done up to look like dolls and toys.

Dripping Ecstasy

I suck at the viper's pointy nipple like mother's milk
Death calms my aching sorrow
The Ocean's bitter solace is my fortitude
Unwrap my vulnerable bodice, my sweet and tender sex to your lashing tongue and pulsing member
I crave your terrorist penetration, your invasion of my soft dark places
Take me, make you mine and me yours
I am an ice cream in the freezer cabinet
Your soft hot wet tongue my salvation
Set me free.

Letting the Days pass me by

Its kind of amazing how easy it is to let an entire day pass you by without intending it. Soon its a week, then a month and before you know it, a year will have passed you by and you are still in the same spot your were, nothing done, nothing accomplished and nothing learned. I feel a bit like I'm stuck in one of those Alaskan mud pits, the kind where before they had the air machines to pop you out of, you would sink slowly, the force holding you in enough that if they tried to pull you out you'd be ripped in two. No way to pull you out, you'd slowly sink to your death in a matter of days. Now they have machines that create a massive air bubble underneath and pop you out like being shot from a canon. You fly 30 ft into the air and they have to be sure to catch you so the impact coming down doesn't kill you. Where is my air bubble that will free me from this mess of a life? I feel like I'm grabbing onto every branch I see and the mud just keeps dragging me down into it. I refuse to die, I refuse to give up on my dreams, I refuse to become like them. I will get out of this pit of toxic emotion, petty cruelty, manipulative guilt, abandoned dreams and unrealized potential. I will continue to make art in whatever form I can.

Starting to find footholds again

So I'm starting to find my footing. I went to this event called "The 24 hour comic challenge", while it was a little bit stressful, I for the most part with the exception of a small spat had a great time. I will at some point load the pages I drew at the event on here. So basically I realized that the only way I'm ever going to be happy is making art and that if I'm not making art I will be miserable for the rest of my life. It may sound like a hollow and selfish goal to the the more self-righteous among us but I just want to live my life to be happy. I've decided I'm going to do Peace Corps and may take classes online while I'm there so that I can bring up my GPA enough that when I'm done I can go to Grad School. I'm really looking forward to Peace Corps. I'm actually not sure how long I'll do it for, I'm thinking I'd like to do several tours. The place I'd most like to go is Central and South America.

Lost in the Wilderness

I am lost in the wilderness. I have become delirious from fatigue, starvation, and dehydration of a spiritual sort. I can not find my way back to the well which I drank from before because I am blocked by inconveniences of social circumstance. I have allowed myself to be dictated to and shut in a hole. Outside the walls of my lonely cave, I fear the howling winds of winter. I am a prisoner of my own fear. I have allowed myself to be kept like a pet, a horse in a stone stable that is ignored and abandoned, I do not drink from my own wild spirit, I do not express myself in the language of wind and color, I sit here and I waste away. Alone and forgotten. I have the blood and the spirit of wild mustangs, I was meant to sleep in canyons and dance to with wild natives, not to be beaten into submission so that I may hoist the yoke capitalism around my neck and slave away to be something useful. I was born wild and beautiful, and yet you would set me before the plow and starve me of the world which is rightfully mine to explore. But here I stay, and I don't know why. I have convinced myself that I could not live without you to feed me, to lead me, to protect me, and I have accepted your cruelty as being for my betterment. I am ashamed of what I have allowed myself to do, to become, at your direction. I see others, alive and alone out in the world. Yes, sometimes they go hungry, yes sometimes they go cold, and yes sometimes the dangers of the world overcome them but they have chosen struggle of freedom over the lifeless existence of captivity. I envy them. What I would do to be free and in the world once more, to feel courage and joy, but I have forgotten how to live in the world and the world is cruel to those that are unprepared. I want to live.

So we'll try door number 2

Ok then, well I took a good long look at that list of things I'd rather do, and realized hey, I'd really like to do a tour with the Peace Corps, so why not do it. I've finally finished writing my essays, I'm going to type them up and apply and hopefully soon I'll be off to the Peace Corps. I'm tired of getting turned down for jobs.

If I found a genie

Now for those of us who grew up on a more traditional version of Aladdin, you'll remember there was a genie of the lamp and a genie of the ring. The genie of the lamp's wishes were much more powerful and had near limitless potential but could only grant wishes of material desire, the genie of rings wishes were more limited but there was an infinite number and they deal mainly with emotions. At least I believe that's what I remember from the story. Now if I only had three wishes they would probably the first to have a physically perfect and immortal body and mind, the second to become the most successful artist who ever lived, and the third would be to fully awaken as a powerful mage. I'd use my wealth and power to cross over into the greatest art form which will most likely ever exist (once it does) planet sculpting, terraforming barren space rocks into living works of art, with every life form on it tailored and created from near scratch. I mean how amazing would it be to be able to say hey, you guys are over crowded, unable to feed your families and have no opportunities to move up in this world, so here's your own planet. I'd probably start out making custom worlds for wealthy clients and corporations then move on to impoverished and oppressed groups, then eventually make worlds that functioned purely as works of art. Oh course there would eventually be that whole trying to escape the heat death of the universe thing but hopefully that will be figured out before its too big of a worry. I really believe if there is or ever was a deity, that using my talent to create and save his people would be the greatest compliment, and kind of the destiny of man kind. Supposedly if we live another 50 years they will have figured out aging science and genetic therapies well enough that no one will ever die of old age again. Man I hope I live long enough to benefit from that, I've always wanted to be immortal. I mean like in that movie from the japan the Phoenix, where the guys does become immortal and then becomes this amazing artist because he doesn't want to forget the face of his true love so he tries to recreate at it over and over so he'll never forget, so amazing. And that's true, if you are an artist to begin with, thing how far you could progress in 200 years, a thousand years, ten thousand years. It would just be amazing.

If I have to die a simple mortal death and live the life of an ordinary man, my three wishes are to fall in love and get married, raise a healthy happy and emotionally balanced child, and to get to make one real movie that gets released in theaters even if its just crappy art house theaters.

Nope. That door's locked too?!

Ugh. Well it sounds like I'm going to nursing school. Not my first, second, third, fourth, hell even my tenth choice, but its something manageable that will make a reliable steady decent income while I attempt to pursue my art. Yes, there are a million other things I'd rather be doing but at the moment this is the only one which will guarantee me employment which will then enable me to follow my other interests. Besides it will be good to get some more life experience so I can really figure out what it is I want to specialize in. Don't believe me that this isn't even my tenth choice? Here's a list of the top ten other things I'd rather be doing?

Top Ten Things I'd Rather be Doing than Nursing

1. Winning Bravo's Work of Art The Next Great Artist
2. Studying Character Animation at Cal Arts
3. Getting a Masters of Fine Arts in Photography
4. Getting a Masters of Fine Arts in either Filmmaking, Directing, Cinematography or Screenwriting
5. Spend a year in Hawaii finishing my screenplay
6. Get a job as a high school art teacher
7. Spend a year in the peace corps
8. Work for a video game company doing any kind of art
9. Spend a year in a latin american country making art and living well for little money
10. Spend a year backpacking/hitchhiking cross country/the americas/europe

Other things that would be preferable to becoming a nurse include studying video game design/programming, be an au pair for a year, selling mary jane, becoming a wealthy older man's house boy, working as a bartender on a cruise ship, and working at a national park. Oh well, if I become a nurse I'll be able to move anywhere I want and always be able to find work. I feel a bit like the longer I live at home the more my parents kill my spirit.

Sigh

Ok well, I need to put myself in a positive attitude because bitching about how much my life sucks isn't going to do anything but depress me some more. I need to figure out a way to get to Santa Monica, CA so that I can go to the Work of Art casting call. All together it comes out to about $440 to go out there on the train round trip, and stay at a hostel for 3 nights. I should probably figure on trying to put together $500 if I can so that I can eat while I'm out there. I'm considering selling my video camera, its too big, it never worked with Final Cut Pro and the only way to make it is to mail it to Germany, and I never use it because again its too big and it doesn't like to work. It is sad though because it has a gorgeous picture but again, its too big and I never use it. The thing is my parents actually bought it for me when I was in school so I don't know how they'll feel about me selling it. On the other hand, we paid like 4 or 5 thousand when we bought it new and its going on ebay for almost 3 so I'm thinking I might be able to get decent money for it. Not sure what to do.

"Drink in the silence
I whisper in kisses wet with wine
Taste red in the darkness
Lips scaled
Lines taste of sand
Pulsing red with sun and wind
In the blue cold that envelopes us I swallow your yelps
Like drinking from the beating heart of our midnight passion
My fingers find the delicate pink sand dollars
Knubbed on an alabaster white only my fingers see
My palms running across the ivory cage
The beating of a humming bird music I breathe
Breathe in the sweet fragrance tall ocean grass black and wet with beads of sweat
Your rigidity pressed against mine
My hand scoops up the sea foam to share between our tongues
Hot and sticky
Warms my neck as I rub my fingers across your collar"




Ok poetry used to come really easy to me. The poem above is severely forced and it feels like it. I've never had trouble like this writing a poem, not since 2nd grade. I guess this is what happens when you don't work on your art regularly. Which is not good since I've not really done any art in 2 years. Crap. I need to change something in my life so that I'm making art on a regular basis again. Dude I couldn't even finish this poem, what is wrong with me?

Really Neat Comic

So I was surfing the web the other day and I cam across this awesome comic called Kimono's Townhouse. Its about two roommates who work in the IT industry who just so happen to be My Little Ponies. The coolest thing about it is that its actually a really really good comic, that just uses some props and MLPs, taken with a point and shoot then dialogue is added later in photoshop. Totally something I could do. I'm feeling kind of inspired to make my own little sitcom, using claymation puppets and some MLP sets, I'm not sure if it would be totally lame to use MLPs but I kind of want to. I do worry though if I do claymation it will look too much like Robot Chicken, I want it to look more like a contemporary take on something kind of like friends Friends but with MLPs and not total crap, maybe more like Skins but inside and not jailbait.

Kind of fun

I won $3 today on a lottery ticket so I decided to let it ride and used the winnings to buy three more tickets, the dream would be to win enough money to just be able to make my own art and support myself off that. Till then, I'm hopeful because my dad was able to get me an interview at his work, it would be really great if they hired me so I could move out of my parent's house. I really miss living on my own, and I especially miss having the opportunity to make art. My friends are harassing me that I need to go work on my photography. I do, though there really isn't anything I wan to photograph here. I can't do a model constructed reality shoot just because my parents would freak (really my mother would freak because she doesn't want anyone think she is anything other than completely "normal") and the people here are so in everyone's business they'd talk. I don't have to money to go to Seattle right now. If I got a job, not only could I possibly start REALLY making art again, but I'd have the money and freedom to do so. I'm so fucking annoyed and tired of making digital art. Diggie Art is great and all but I want to paint and draw and really take photos with full sets and costumes and lighting. I'm so tired of being here. I really hope I get onto work of art, it would be so great to get the exposure for my art and maybe the money to really start my own art practice. Of course I thought my BFA show would sell out and that would take care of that.

P.S.

I'm trying out a free digital version of oblique strategy cards, I'll tell you later what I think of them.

Off topic brings focus

So this is an art blog. Its a written record of my thoughts and feelings of my life as it relates to my art. I feel obligated to make it known then when something deeply personal which effects my entire outlook on life shifts. I realized my beliefs today, I'm a non deist animist, meaning what I believe is of importance is the animating force within my being and living my life as the person I am, another words bringing my life and my actions into sync with who I am underneath all the bullshit. The existence of a deity is unimportant, life is about living as you truly are. This is what I believe. For me art making is a spiritual practice of attempting to bring that animating force into the world and allowing it to make the choices. Its a big choice to try to live as you want most, and this is my first attempt in a long time by putting it out there, because by releasing it into the world, I have to own that it is part of me then let it go to live and be its own thing. Scary living life, isn't it.

Random Inspiration

Ok so I'm not sure what to think but I want to do a photo shoot of girls in the rain with their hair crocheted into handmade lace funeral veils, in gorgeous slightly funeral slightly victorian southern belle gowns, I really want to get shots of the hair lace wet stuck to their skin. It would be so amazing to shoot it in front of a stone mansion with a glass atrium from the turn of the last century. Not sure what I could do with the shots but it looks gorgeous in my head.

Motivating Myself

So I tried asking my life coach for credentials after my friends freaked out that I met the guy over the internet. He wouldn't produce any so I stopped seeing him. I think the guy might have been legit but if you're not interested in being upfront with me its hard to trust you. I still have to do the art piece though for the hours he already spent on me. I have a nice really big piece of scratchboard that I wasn't using for anything so I thought I might use that. He wants a picture of himself sitting in a Giant mushroom forest smoking out of a water pipe. This totally brings to mind the Moonchick from My Little Ponies. Not really my taste but I think I can do something really amazing with it. I think after I do the sketch I'll scan it and mix it with some photos in photo shop, turn the whole thing into a digital painting then email it to him.

Work of Art

So I just sent an email to throw my hat into the ring for Season 2 of Work of Art. I'm definitely going to have to keep my ADD meds on hand at all times to keep myself from wigging out if I get on the show (and probably a couple cartons of cigarettes thought I might try switching to the electric steam ones). I think if I get on I'm going to take a print out of like a mini biography with lists of things like my favorite artists and colors, important early childhood memories, stuff like that and a blank sheet that I can give to whatever artist I get paired with for the first challenge so we can save as much time as possible for the actual work. I'll probably need to bring extra copies to hand out when we first meet everyone so I don't get accused of cheating for being prepared.

Weird Day

So again feel free to check out my portfolio. Today has been kind of odd, I was unable to get to sleep till 3am last night and woke up at 2pm today. So I kind of blew my day. The good news is that yesterday I wrote a treatment for my application video for Work of Art. Now I just need to find my cables for my camera and buy a tape. Sounds easy, but I'm betting that my cables if they still "exist" are somewhere in storage so I will probably have to buy new ones. How annoying not to have a space to work. That is the thing I miss the most about art school and the biggest reason I'm so in favor of it. In art school you have a place and equipment to work and you are forced to make art, there is nothing that teaches you more about art then the daily practice of it. Once you get out of the daily practice of it its so hard to get back into that rhythm. That was the biggest reason that freshman year was both the easiest and hardest year, learning that daily rhythm when you've never had to produce like that is super fucking hard. I miss it so much, just having a place to work and being inside that daily rhythm.

Sleep it does your brain some good

Wow. I've felt so much better since getting a new bottle of Melatonin and actually getting sleep in the regular. Its amazing how much easier it is to think about art when I've slept. I'm actually thinking about making a sectioned hollow full body casting self portrait, in a reclining position slightly reminiscent of a fetal position. I'm think the whole thing will be filled with little dioramas or something like that. I'll probably make the large casting out of cast glass or plastic, I'm not sure about the rest of it, if they should be all one solid piece or if the inside dioramas should be glued in. More chance for color if its glued in. Glass would be prettier but plastic would be sturdier. I think the figure will be hung from a miniature dirigible, though its posture will give the sense of floating on water. I may be moving in with a gay couple in Seattle, don't know yet. It would be a place to live and make my art, so I guess we'll see.

For some bizarre reason I've been craving to listen to Black Hole Sun, I'd really like to hang out in front of the statue with my ipod in listening to the song, having a joint and drinking some coffee, like in the early hours of sunrise. I know very Seattle, I get to be a little cliche every now and then. I love sitting inside the statue, I missing being skinny enough to actually fit my whole body lying on my back in the center of it. So by my ramblings you might not be surprised to learn that I couldn't find my melatonin last night and so I have not slept in over 24 hours.

I did however watch the entire (with the exception of the first episode) season of "The Colony", it was really good, surprisingly. I'm really annoyed though that in the new season the guy who plays the artist is just a total jackass. Speaking of art and reality television, Work of Art, is on tonight. I haven't decided if I'm going to watch it. Its just getting really stupid. I still want to go on for next season, the exposure for my art would be amazing. Of course the ultimate thing would be if Oprah talked about on her show how amazing she thought my art was after she saw me on the show. I was watching this feature on CNN Money on the "Oprah Effect", apparently anyone who aligns themself with Oprah, especially if she endorses you in any way shape or form gets the fucking Midas treatment. How amazing would it be if Oprah had me on the show to talk about my work just before or while my show was running at the Brooklyn Museum, something would just have to sell. It really seems like some of the artists if not most of them just really don't care about winning the competition.

The art genies have yet to grant any of my requests for art supplies so I've yet to have anything to really reoport.

New Goal

Ok, so while I'm going to try to post once a day, I'm going to make it mandatory for myself that I have to post at least once a week. Whatever new art piece I'm working on I'll post on here, and I'll probably keep you up to date on whatever I'm doing on my script or other writing stuff. Hopefully this will keep me motivated to work on my art work and writing so I have something to post and talk about. I'm still hopeful that things will go well so I guess we'll see.

Check out my 'Art Supplies' WishList.

Check out my 'Art Supplies' WishList.

So I realize the chance that anyone is actually reading my blog and thinks to themselves oh gosh, I should buy something to help out that nice young artist is pretty slim but now if you want to you can do just that! Also if anyone would like to see my portfolio website to check out some of my photos feel free. Eventually once I get together enough money to pay for an art studio I'm going to try to sell some of my artwork on Etsy, at which time I will give you all my URL so you can check out that website too.

How life has VASTLY changed

Dear Reader,

To say my life has changed quite a bit since the last time we wrote is a HUGE understatement. I dropped the ball on updating my blog once more, because not long after my last blog post, I was fired. I was fired first of all because the company I was working for didn't know what to do with me and they felt I wasn't working enough hours, though when I came in everyone was too busy to give me something to do and when I tried to find something on my own, I was told, no no that doesn't help. Secondly they found some old retired guy in Florida who had 40 years of experience working as a graphic designer who was willing to do my graphics work for a penny a piece, so they say though I really believe it was just my boss who missed doing all the art himself. Third and really the biggest issue, I'm a flamer and can't help it and that was the biggest reason thing went down the way they did. I had things said to my face with witnesses that had I been a full employee instead of an independent contractor I could have nailed that asshole's balls to the wall, but sadly I've had it looked up, in my state independent contractors have absolutely no rights.

I in fact did not get into SFAI for my MFA in photography. I was told by someone else at another school that its the policy of most grad schools that no matter how good your portfolio is, if you don't have at least a 3.0 you are shit out of luck. Balls. I stayed in my old apartment till the end of my lease trying my best to find work, but couldn't. So after having surgery on my foot, I went to a fat camp but washed out. Now I'm living at home with my very homophobic parents and my schizophrenic sister. And nearly 10 months after being fired I've still yet to find work or get into a grad school.

I was working rather hard on my screenplay, mostly reading books about screenwriting, but I've gotten to the point now that before I can really write anything more about a story set in Hawaii I need to really go soak up the culture. What's awesome is that I'm hopefully going to be moving there to live with my best friend Kahaka. His family owns a couple houses out there and if things work out the only thing I have to pay for is my plane ticket and food. Moving out there will really give me a chance to finish my script.

While I've been living with my parents, every time I try to make art they harass me about wasting time and money and doing things that are "pointless". All of my friends are more than happy to tell me that I need to escape my parents' place and yet they have no suggestion as to how I can accomplish that as the economy is horrible for everyone and I'm constantly applying for jobs. I may need to just go work fast food or some crappy job like that. Not sure what to do.

I really wish I had a space to paint, write, and develop photos.