Holy Crap

Ok so its been two months since I've posted, wow. Bad me. Well first of all the person I found to teach me turned out to be a total flake, (interesting to be on the receiving end of that) and basically was all committed to teaching me then never actually responded to me so we could meet up. So then I was going to go to the tattoo school in Portland but its 9 grand, which I don't have plus rent and my credit sucks and there's no federal funding because its licensed not accredited. So that's still a vague possibly very good idea, if I can ever manage the money. So I've been trying to work on drawing more, finding the motivation is difficult to say the least. What can I say I'd rather veg out and do nothing in front of the television or surf the web then spend an hour practicing my drawing like I should. I've been looking at other options for work type stuff. I'm attempting to start my own business taking erotic portraits for discreet professionals and I've got my first customer Saturday. Should be good, I'm getting $300. If nothing else, that money will be a big help with whatever I do next, even if no one else takes me up on my services. I have an interview in Key West when my family goes there on vacation to apply to work in a gallery selling art, which would be pretty awesome, mostly because its Key West and I'm hoping they'd let me sell my own work there as well. I've also decided to apply to graduate school again. I'm applying to the American Film Institute for a Masters of Fine Arts in Cinematography. Its something I'm good at and a career I'd enjoy. Now I've got till May to do 2 twenty minute videos that show off my skills as a cinematographer. Wish me luck.

Introducing Myself

I'm writing this blog under an alias, Shames Deal. While this is not technically my real legal name, at the very least emotionally it should be. Deal is my mother's maiden name and I was always very close with her family growing up, I've never really gotten along with my father or his family. I've always really thought of myself as a Deal, if sometimes only secretly in my head. So maybe that's part of what this blog will be, showing the real me that no one in my real life gets to see.

Dear Reader, would you like to know something quite awful about me? I've spent the last seven years of my life devoting myself to something, a career goal, just because I'm good at it, very good in fact, not because I love it. I have a great paying job, that in this horrible economy anyone would give their left eye for. I make $25 an hour working as a product photographer as my first job out of college, and I got it on my own, on my own merit and my own skill. The thing is I've come to realize that being good at something and finding joy in it are such vastly different things, and I think my work suffers because of it. Photography for me is something that I use to show the world what I see and the things I imagine in my head. Maybe I found joy in it once but I feel I've lost it. Right now all I feel is stifled. I have always hated taking pictures of things that seemed to lack history. My personal preference is to take pictures of people, or nature interacting with people, or abandoned buildings that people have left their mark on, or objects that have a long history with people, heck even the occasional animal or two if they seem to have some sort of history to them. Taking photographs of brand new objects off the assembly line, smooth and polished, no character, no personal history, no opinion of their own, its maddening.

It might sound odd to remark on the opinion of an inanimate object, but the only reason we are able to differentiate between things that feel and reason and things that don't is that our brains have chosen to do so through millions of years of evolution. I pick up on a system of subconscious ques that your body gives me so that I can try to decipher what you're thinking, if I can't do that my subconscious infers things based on my own personal experience and any known variables, that's just the way the brain works.

To get back to the point though, I do not find joy in being a photographer at the moment. Its hard to say if I ever did or if I continue on this path if I ever will. The reason this is important is I came to realize the other day that the only thing I've really ever wanted in life is a job that I could find joy in doing and an everyday home life that was secure and comfortable, with a little bit of adventure. I can sacrifice all of that but what I need is to find joy.

I've decided that what I need to do is to pursue the things that I find joy in and try to build a life out of those things. The first thing I find joy in is writing, so everyday for an hour in addition to writing an update for this blog, I'm going to work on my screenplay that I've been working on for the last two years and still haven't finished. The second thing I find joy in is sports, especially marital arts, I'm very out of shape so what I'm going to do is start taking a martial arts course and working out. The third thing I like to do is make art about people so every weekend I'm going to go to the park or wherever and take and draw pictures of people. These are the three things I'm going to do for myself, and by blogging about them, hopefully it will help me to keep motivated and not just get lazy and give up. Starting tomorrow I will begin working on my screenplay again and this week I will contact one of the local martial arts studios to get enrolled. Tonight after I've finished this blog and watched a little tv I'm going to go out with my camera and shoot photos. I'm a little worried, I really haven't shot people in over a year, I hope I do ok, I'll post my best shots on here tomorrow.

Till tomorrow Dear Reader.