Feeling an Extreme Need to Vent

So I really try not to let unfortunate individuals darken my mood, but sometimes its simply unavoidable. What is particularly frustrating about this particular incident is that I effectively don't have anyone I can vent to because I'm trying to shut off all contact with the person. The person first said that I wasn't a real artist and that I never make real work and that what work I do make sucks. Then this person recently made fun when a friends got mad at me for expecting her husband to show up for a project we're supposed to be partnering on when he's working on other projects instead. I really don't get people that go out of their way to tear other people down.

 The individual in question isn't even a visual artist she's a fucking writer.  What the fuck does she know about the quality of my photographs or paintings? And excuse the fuck out of me that right now I only have the money and space to draw in my sketch book and take photos with a digital camera. Admittedly the picture up top is something I took with an iphone but I've been getting really curious in exploring the medium and the cultural connections surrounding it.  I think it adds something to the picture knowing that it exists purely in cyberspace and was taken with a camera that isn't supposed to be good for anything serious and yet looks like a very professional photograph.

Someday Can Not Be The Ruler of Today

So my dream is that someday I'll be able to attend Yale University for a master's degree in photography, but I've come to realize you can't live for someday. Right now I am living with my life on hold because I am waiting for things to change in the future, but the thing is I need to be living for now because what I am hoping for it is about as likely as winning the lottery. every year 1500 people apply to the Yale photo program and every year they only accept seven. That means my chances are less than 1 in 200 any given year. So if I want a real shot at going to that program I'm really going to need to bring up my grade point average and build a more impressive resume as which includes having some profound life experiences. The thing I most want to do right now is moved to Paris for a couple of years. I was thinking I could get a 4 x 5 view camera and a digital back with a laptop and take photographs of tourists in importance landscape locations and then use my iPhone to sell them the digital files I can email them. or maybe I could be an au pair or something like that.

Money Fuels Art

It completely drives me nuts when the only thing keeping me from creating these awesome photo series is money! I had a client lined up for a photo shoot, would have been $300 in my pocket, totally enough to get started on my series "Interior Landscapes". My fucking photo portfolio disappeared in the move. I spent four hours going through my storage space, it appears to have vanished. Granted its not enough to produce the entire series but its enough to get started and more than anything that's what I need right now. I'm reading this God awesome book called the business of being an artist. Do yourself a favor and read it if you get a chance, the kindle version is only 99¢. The next book on my reading list is "The Profitable Artist" and then I'm going to read "Untitled:Thoughts on the Creative Process". The first book is teaching me the things I wish I'd learned in school. I'm learning so many things about the art business that I didn't even know there was to learn. The big thing I want to learn about from both the first and second books is about funding for artists. It really doesn't do me too much good to learn how to sell the work till I've gotten it made. Unfortunately I'm not French so I can't type vague descriptions on note cards and call it photography.

How much life has changed lately...

So for those of you that didn't know when I first moved into my awesome life work artist loft, I had been guaranteed a gig as a graphic designer and photographer for one of the hottest clubs in the city and then after I moved in the guy flaked out. So I was in a lease and had no job. Well I was doing Task Rabbit for a while, which for me was a waste of time. I guess I've got kind of a bad attitude, but really it was a deal of I'm really not sure how to deal with people in diplomatic way when I feel they're trying to take advantage of me, and you're working with people from other countries sometimes so you get people who have a different idea about what is acceptable business behavior. Basically if you have me spend a month designing a corporate identity for you and you keep having me create multiple versions so you have lots of choices even though you were "in love" with the first one, and then keep asking for more work out of me that is beyond the original scope of the project and then give me flack because I'm not happy after I've created a logo, a corporate identity, files for you to animate for a video logo for your website, you decide you want me to create separate distinct business cards for each of your business partners when your ad said you only wanted one business card for all of you and a logo for your company, I'm going to flip the fuck out. So then I was applying for jobs like a mad man. Almost got job offers several times, actually had one for about a second until they realized that the DOL messed up on my CDL paperwork and they had to hire someone right then. Couldn't find work and had to move out before the first of May. I did get some serious work done on my painting though after I bought some medium. Now I'm living at home with my parents, again, and I'm trying to figure out where I go from here. I've got an amazing idea for an art series and I'd like to apply to graduate school but I don't have enough money for either right now so I'm trying to come up with some initial capital right now. Oh and I went on vacation with my family to Florida and we ended up meeting Beryl face to face.

Things to keep me motivated to Create

So I've become lax in my creative process as of late. The painting I was working on started melting and so I just stop making work. Basically I've decided to start a second blog on tumblr called "Vulnerable before the Lense" which will be a photo blog of tasteful nude and/or erotic photos of young men. Its just something fun and fluffy to do that I can do every single day so I don't get lazy and let myself go for weeks without creating a single work of art.

I always secretly wished I could be a writer

and now that I've shown my writing to someone who is actually really talented who actually likes my writing, I'm a little bit petrified that oh my gosh, I could actually write something. Basically I was told it was overly descriptive, had a few clumsy visuals, and that I'm over outlining and at this point just need to write it, but that they thought it was good and that even though there are too many of them the descriptions are really good.

I'm really excited about this, especially since my painting won't be going anywhere. The homemade medium I tried to make failed and I don't know about medium well enough to fix it and I don't have the money for liquin. Oh well I was starting to get terrible headaches from the paints off gassing anyway. I'll just have to go back to it once I've got money. I think for now I just need to do some drawings and try to sell those for cheap.

First Big Show Since College

So I didn't have any new work for the show so I showed the stuff from my BFA show (which was back in May of '08). So the show went really well and everyone loved the work, but nothing sold which is REALLY disappointing. I think the longer I live here the more I understand that as much as I love love love living here I need to get my art work into a gallery in some sort of tourist location. Really that's the thing is that people will drop a couple grand on a work of art because they're on vacation and its a "souvenir" but really only if its a super touristy place, and it doesn't even have to be "tourist art" is just needs to be in a location that is easy for drunk people with large amounts of disposable income on vacation to just wander into and you really need an atmosphere that is inviting, it really helps if people don't even know they're in an art gallery till they're in it. Really it seems the key is not that you have to sell out, just that you have to know the way to sell yourself. Unfortunately no one really does touristy things in Seattle, and they certainly don't get hammered at scope out all the shops with large amounts of money. I really do know WHAT I need to do, now the key is just figuring out a way to do it.